Emmi Valve Fan Club

FRIEND NR 1. – “I just came from the library, and you won’t believe- this one guy just started wanking next to me!” / ” Ummm… Was he like all normal guy or, …you know… ”special”?” / FRIEND NR 2. – “Do you remember that opening scene from the movie Bridesmaids? The one where the guy is like “I don’t wanna sound like an asshole, but I really wan’t you to leave”?… – …You know, right after they ..”ahem!”, and he doesn’t want the girl to sleep over…” / “…Well, it wasn’t QUITE that bad, but…” “Well. If you are both okay with it…” / FRIEND NR 3. – / ”Do you recommend giving head to someone in a sauna?” ”…Well that’s not very useful idea.”

”When did I turned in to some Genital Issue – Hot line?” / ”…What do my friends think of me?” / Well this, I hope: ”…I have the answer to everything, because I have risen to the level of enlightenment, where worldly and carnal issues no longer confuse me…”  *above this* Yeah. This must be it!

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Okay, I’m not trying to turn this in to a fashion blog. I was just having fun doodling and colouring these little everyday scenes, and this is what came out of them. (…Don’t get the Emm Looks -pun? Well check out this, it’s the most well known street style blog in Finland. And ”Hel” as in ”Helsinki” so…)

The Occasion: Going to the studio. 1) Nothing done here. Not for the hair. Not for the face. 2) This is fake. (Like I even could afford a real one.) 3) Elevators seem to be the places where I finally realize what I actually am wearing.  4) My standard breakfast; a croissant and a mochachino. Then some REAL coffee. 5) A completely irrational selection of shirts and tops. 6) Nowadays these jeans are called ”boyfrien jeans”. Back in the days ALL jeans looked like this.

The Occasion: The most boring and stupid ”student party” I’ve ever seen. 1) My ”I can’t believe I payed to get in here” -face. 2) Very entertaining match box. 3) Teeny tiny little beer, overpriced and served from a plastic cup. 4) My most unflattering grey sweater. (Also known sometimes as ”lesbian shirt”.) 5) This black skirt I use everywhere, with everything. Really.

The Occasion: Stopping by at the day care, on a rainy day. 1) Hat, Could not find my umbrella when I left the house. 2) Huge cardigan, because wool is warm, even when wet. 3) ”Is THIS my umbrella? Did I left it HERE? Could I just take it? What if it’s not mine, would that be stealing?” Didn’t take it. Very high moral from me. 4) Ugly rubber boots. Need to get prettier ones.

The Occasion: Tax lecture for artists and other low lifes. 1) Make up! Yes! Shit loads of it! 2) This sweater makes me feel like Audrey from Twin Peaks. 3) My comfort-coffee. One you need when you are about to enter a room full of strangers. 4) I love these jeans. I only wear other pants to trick my friends in to thinking that I actually wash this pair every once in a while. 5) A note book to doodle in during the lectures.

The Occasion: Children’s party. 1) Shitty hair with a weird hairdo. 2) Paperclip used as a hairpin. 3) Yesterdays leftover- make up. 4) Some white dirt on my black jeans. 5) The grey ”lesbian shirt”. Can’t get enough of it. 6) Drain opener. Needed to buy some. So I did.

The Occasion: Roller Derby practise. 1) This blue thing her ; an actual piece of actual sports wear! 2) Maybe I wore make up, maybe I didn’t. Can’t remember. 3) I’m freakishly comfortable in the hot pants. 4) A ladder in my tights. Of course. Well, good thing this is Roller Derby, not gymnastics. 5) This old djembe drum -back is where I keep my skates, helmet, a selection of tights, a mouth guard, and other essentials.  6) …Sooo… My panties are visible. Shit. Oh well. (A bit more prostitute-ish than I was aiming for…)

The Occasion: At the mail box. 1) Keys! Hooray for getting back in the apartment! 2) Prints on prints on …prints. 3) Wait. Am I wearing any underwear? No? Holy moley, I feel suddenly so naked! I bet all my neighbours have x-ray visions! 4) I love these pants, They are a part of me. I think a big part of me lives in them too. At least what comes to loose skin cells and stuff.

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This whole thing reminds me somehow of those inserts in all these make over TV-shows, where they first introduce the poor thing who’s friends an family are sick of her looking like a normal person, and have sent her to the show to become prettier and that way a better and a happier human being.

So here’s the climax:

The Occasion: The Great Style Make Over -TV show. 1) A hairdo no one EVER asks from their hairdresser, but some unfortunate ones still get. 2) ”Throw away those glasses, they make you look like you red something at some point! Here, more fake lashes, they’ll help you to get rid of that stigma.” 3) ”Look, this is the RIGHT way to add some cute ‘rock’n roll’ to your outfits! Use accessories! Just look at this studded clutch, ain’t it FUN!” 4) The most boring dress I’ve ever seen.

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”This party is dead.” “We need some entertainment!” // “Hey, let’s call in Smart Girl!” “Hmm…risky! It’s going to be hard to beat the economy-student at Börje’s last party… But let’s do it then!” // Ta-dah! // “Sure looks perky, but can she talk?” // *smart-talk* “Ho ho ho!  More!”  // *smart-talk* // ”Phew!”

“Ho ho ho!” “Not bad! Not bad at all!” // “I must say you are an intelligent young woman! – ( And by that I mean this is how long I was able to concentrate while watching your moving mouth, and now I want sex as reward.)” // “You ain’t as smart as you think you are! – (And by that I mean this is how long I was able to concentrate while watching your moving mouth, and now I want to shut it by sticking a dick in there, so deep that you’ll have to puke trough your nose.)”  // “Well go on then. Hop a long! Good luck with your future!” “Maybe we’ll ask you to sit with us for a while when you no longer are attractive.” // “…I’m bored again… Does Lars still have that dancing bear?”  THE END! (…or is it?)

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When I was a teenager, there was no such thing as fashion blogging. Maybe better so. But reading few of them today inspired me to draw this.

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Me, at 18, photographed outside, in pouring rain, in front of a piece of wallpaper.  Silver paint is from a friends paint-thingie that exploded in my kitchen few years later.

Thank God it’s all over now.

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(What have I learned since my last post? Nothing. Absolutely nothing!)

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LUNCH.

”What did you have?” ”Double chocolate cake.” ”…You know, this wiener they gave me is huge.”

”… – …I want sex.”            (Well. Atleast there was cake.)

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Just saying,- that wasn’t my ACTUAL lunch, that was my second lunch.

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RAINY SUNDAY.

I wake up feeling oddly sad. “Everything is all right… Everything is  all right.” // I miss-calculate. “What a huge mistake to listen to some sonic youth.” // “I rather listen to the rain. – …Can’t even read this magazine.” // “I should be living in those pictures in the magazine. – By the sea. – But instead I’m stuck here. – Forever.”

“I remember to buy toilet paper! – Congratulations to me!” // “Now I need a massive pile of comfort-food. – …I miss the kid too.” // Pampering my self does help. “I guess this is comfortable too.” // “When I close my eyes, I can pretend to be somewhere else. – This rain could be anywhre.” // “…But still. What if I notice that any of the hard work I’ve been doing, hasn’t paid off at the end..”

“…And I will never get home?”   – The end! (Tomorrow I’m -maybe- more hopeful.)

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ORDINARY THURSDAY.

I cutted my self bangs morning.  “…My temple is so …bare.” // “Okaythen…” //I gave a phone-interview. // “Lunch.” // “Something healthy. – I’m still suffering from sugar-hungover from yesterday.”

Me yesterday: “I fucking hate this shit that these stores only have tiny sizes! I don’t wan’t any ‘Great Girls’ pants with some fucking boot cut and ‘pity-diamonds’ they put in fat girls jeans, like the pants used to belonged to Missy Elliot!” // “I will buy my pants from somewhere where it’s not made humiliating!” // “…The problem WAS the jeans, NOT my ass… – But I still better cut down sugar. I only get sick and cranky from it. – I made a mistake when I thought eating candy would pick me up.” // ”One publisher sent these books for our book club, and I’m gonna mark every section I find offensive as  a woman.” // ”21 notes on the first 20 pages. …I may not wanna finsh reading this.”

I come to bar&cafe Paahtimo to draw and read the magazines. // ”Here I’m drawing this picture.” // ”Horoscope: single leos should now seek permanent happiness from a relationship.” // ”Uh. Shut up universe.” // ” …I shall look in to this relationship-thingie at the same time when I shall quit smoking…” // ”..Which is ‘When I want to.’ – …The guy at the corner table was quite handsome tough.”

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MY NOTES FROM SIX HOURS OF TAX-LECTURE.

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I took my stepsisters cat to take care of it until it finds a new home. (Her older cat can’t get along with this younger one. )// We had a rocky start. // “Shut up you horny bitch!” //  // “Oh well… I do feel you sis… It IS hard…”

Without noticing we started to get closer… “Uh, I’m too lazy. You come closer if you wanna get scratched.” // // “Wow! You just threw yourself down from there! Respect! – I mean, why bother to get up if you don’t need to!” // …And closer… “Oh you brought me a pray?” // “A bag of chocolate coins! Where did you ever even found these?!”

I have some problems with the relocating: “Interested of a cat? I have a good one for you.” // “Pretty face, nice furry tale, good personality. How about?” // “Sounds like you don’t REALLY wanna get rid of it!” “I do!” “Youuu Looove the caat! Youuu Looove the caaat!” “No! I do not love it! We just HIT IT OFF! That’s all!”  //And I don’t always love her: “Fuck you cat! Why couldn’t you just hold it until I get home to open the bathroom door!” // …ALWAYS, that is…

“…It’surprisingly nice to have SOMEONE here.” “Should I keep you? // YET: “(In swedish:) Hey kitty, come back!*” *She sometimes understands Swedish better than Finnish. “Man, she’s always running away! …But I wouldn’t like to be locked inside all the time either…” // AND: “Yep, maybe next week would do… O shit, wait! What am I gonna do with the cat if I’m out of the town!” // “Well, it would be better if you had a better home…” “Kiss!” “Ouch! What the fuck?! Did you just bit my nose?!” “Yes I did. <3!”

“We really get along like great! It’s like so …natural! Sometimes I feel like I’m living with a small and furry version of my self… But then.. Like literally in EVERY relationship I’ve had… In practice level we start to fail… Things don’t fit and it all get’s too complicated… Same thing. Every time. I don’t know… I guess I have to blame my self…”

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IF YOU NEED A GOOD CAT, CONTACT ME.

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I’ve been a bit tired lately.

“Hmm… It says here that you are entrepreneur…”  “I’m not!” // “Well but it says so here.” “No no no, there’s a mistake!  – !!! I’m not-” // “Yeees… Fill these please…” ” I. HAVE. FILLED. THOSE. EIGHT. TIMES. I’m not a ‘ self-employed entrepreneur’! I don’t understant why-” // “Callm down there. – We’ll fix your situation TOGETHER. So, for a start…” // “You need to renew your open job application.” “…But I’m not unemployed! Or an entrepreneur!” // “I mean this doesn’t even SOUND LOGICAL!” “Yes. Well. No. -Bye!” // “…WHAT?! …HOW?!”

“Hi, it’s Emmi Valve calling…” // “About this verdict you have made without the documents about my income… Well, it’s just that I’ve send them to you, many times, and I just really don’t know what to do about it anymore…” // “I see. And which address you used?” “Well, this one in your letters.” //”Oh, you know, that’s our OLD address. Well, we shall think about this, and I really can’t say yet if we shall make a decisison of this being our mistake or yours. We’ll get back to you on that.” // Greetings To Sauli Niinintö! (***Who is our Presindent here in Finland, and who just published the cutest little pamflet with helpful tips to prevent social exclusion. For excemple telling poor people to drink less and clean their windows will help. This message is also suggested to be spread by rapping on the streets. So kids can get it too.  …No, I’m not kidding. I couldn’t come up with jokes like this.***)

I ALSO GOT DIAGNOSED. // “So, I went trough your blood test here…” // “And I must say that the results are awesome! Even this little reading here, and it’s not easy to keep that one still!” // “I haven’t seen a person as healthy as you! – …Ain’t that something!” // “Thanksbyyyye!” // Yeah. That sure is something!

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(….and it was about time! I would also like to remind the world, that I am as well an illustrator as I am a comic artist!) So check it out here: Emmi Valve / Illustrations .

I also have been drawing comics like my houseplant’s life depended on it, so some of that ol’ stuff coming soon as well!

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